The Power of “Yes, and” in Conversation
On a drive to Tennessee, I listened to an episode of the Rich Roll podcast—one of my top five podcast shows. Rich's guest was Bryan Johnson, "the most measured man," an extreme and controversial biohacker on longevity and reverse aging. He is not a podcast guest I usually gravitate to but, I was curious about his motivations, how he handles the criticism he receives, what will he consider his ultimate achievement and measure of success, and how someone like Rich, who takes a more practical approach to health and wellness, would jibe with Bryan. If you want to delve into Bryan, google him or check out his website.
The eight-minute mark hooked me (for the entire 2.5 hours) when Rich asked Bryan how he's evolved from "avoiding the critics to tackling them head-on, in a playful way." He said… "the best strategy is counter-intuitive, always say “yes, and.” When someone makes fun of you or someone makes a dig at you, say "yes, and"—it neutralizes and disempowers the criticizer."[1]
Uh…yeah…that is counter-intuitive and difficult to do when our knee-jerk response is to defend ourselves. Of course, this is situationally dependent—sometimes, defending yourself could be the better option. I filed away this helpful life tidbit—a tool to neutralize the negative nilly's and minimize a defensive posture. (#goals, am I right?)
Having heard "yes, and" a couple of times in the past year, the other from Jesse Itzler, an entrepreneur, runner, and Founder of 29029 Everesting, I decided to look up the origins. It's an improv technique dating back to the 1950s with the Compass Players and their Kitchen Rules. Viola Spolin, the mother of modern improv and theater games, is credited with developing the philosophy of "yes, and"—which means “never denying someone's reality.”[2]
It builds on ideas and opens space for conversation and creativity—a key component of what makes improv entertaining and good.
Even though I dabbled in improv in high school drama class and attended a few improv comedy nights in college, I had forgotten about "yes, and." If you've seen improv, it's how the dialogue moves forward. Yes, is the acknowledgement. And is the build—or the tell me more. Unsurprisingly, "yes, and" has grown outside of the theater into a communication tool used in the business world and elsewhere.
I like to think of this technique like a sponge that expands when you water it—the conversation grows and gets squishy. It's malleable and can absorb more.
To illustrate, let's role-play two scenarios:
Fitness Goal
Person A: I'm signed up for my first ultra-marathon and stoked about the challenge.
Person B: That sounds awful. What if you get hurt while you train? (hey, person B: who made you the tornado creating swirling doubts in Person A's brain, sucking up their excitement in your vortex and spitting it out in the next town?)
Versus:
Person B: Yes, and maybe I could join you on your short training runs to keep you company. We can celebrate your milestones along the way. And I'd love to come support you in the race. (Hello, sunshine, nice to see you. Glad the storm has left the area. You just made Person A feel energized and provided positive vibes.)
New Business Idea
Person A: I think we should start a business offering women's wellness retreats.
Person B: Yes, and we could bring yoga teachers and journaling instructors and do breath work. Let's create a plan! (Gold star for Person B!)
Versus: Good idea, but is that market already saturated? (Yo, who invited the wet blanket to the retreat?)
Look, we've all been there. You've likely been on both sides of the conversation—either you've been smished by someone, or you've done the smishing (I made up this word—somewhere between smashing and squashing) on an idea, goal, or dream.
In a meeting with your colleagues, have you shared an idea that didn't get traction because no one used it as a building block for more innovation?
Have you probably smished (my new word again) a friend or family member's goal because you transferred your worry, fear, judgment, or insecurity onto them instead of creating a conversational and collaborative dialogue?
We aren't perfect. Life would be boring if we were. I like the "yes, and" technique as a way to learn more about the people I'm having conversations with and be more supportive of their ideas, goals, and dreams. Actively listening to someone, providing space for them and their idea to blossom, keeps all of us open to new possibilities, which feels good.
Is this technique already part of your communication style?
Will you put it into practice with me?
P.S: “Yes, and” doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything. It’s an affirmation and gateway technique to build on ideas and show support.
Leave a comment with your thoughts!
And, thanks for reading.
[1] https://www.richroll.com/podcast/bryan-johnson-810/
[2] https://news.uchicago.edu/explainer/improv-explained#yesand
